I was lucky to be comfortable enough to ‘come out’ at the age of 14. However, I am all too aware of how difficult it can be for some people to do it – and it can feel less like ‘coming out’ and more ‘getting out’; getting out of a trap, of chains, something holding you back from being yourself. I know people who have had that experience, and given my line of work, I have unfortunately had to watch young people go through such struggles.
There always seems to be connotations of a fiery romance when it comes to forbidden love, but it can also be a horrific experience. It is in this way that the story for Getting Out germinated. Will you get out of the trap?
Getting Out
By Keelan Berry
“You’re supposed to be the manly one here.”
Gabby huffed, and let the padlock slip from his hand, sending it and the chain clattering into the rusty gate. “You know I can never do this fucking thing, why do you always ask me to do it?”
“Because you’re the manly one, Gabriel!” Ollie smirked.
“Don’t call me Gabriel, Oliver.”
“You know I don’t mind Oliver. Unlike some people I’m not a whiny little bitch when it comes to my full name.”
Gabby rolled his eyes and turned back to study the gate.
“I’m sorry, Gabby, would you like me to open the gate for us?” Ollie put on his best chivalrous voice, bowing slightly and offering his hand out.
“That would be most welcome, Ollie.” Gabby slapped his hand onto the top of Ollie’s, as though tagging him in to deal with the situation.
To Ollie, it was much more than a tag. He enjoyed feeling the warmth of Gabby’s hand, if only for a moment. Ollie knew that he wasn’t very big, and he was only likely to reach average height; Gabby, on the other hand, was already around six feet. Ollie, for reasons he couldn’t yet explain, enjoyed this disparity between the two of them. He liked that Gabby was the ‘manly’ one. He liked that when Gabby slapped his hand, it was so much bigger than his own.
He longed for more than just a friendly high-five, though. He wanted Gabby to take his hand in his own and hold it, and they could walk like that side by side down the street for everyone to see.
“What are you smiling at now?” Gabby sighed, “I’m going to stop coming here with you if you’re just going to take the piss every time.”
Ollie hadn’t realised he’d started smiling, but didn’t stop himself now that Gabby had noticed. “No, it’s not that, it’s-” Then he did stop himself. He’d always wanted to tell Gabby how he felt, ever since the feelings started almost two years ago, and this is always the way he’d envisioned doing it. This was their spot, where they had been coming at least once a week for the last few months to escape the stress of school and exams and families and whatever else they had going on at the time. This is where Ollie dreamed of doing it. He’d come close before, but had never been able to bring himself to utter the words. However close and connected he felt to Gabby in a particular moment, there was no telling how he would respond.
“What?” Gabby asked, smiling himself.
“Nothing.” Ollie replied, the smile naturally dropping from his face as he took hold of the padlock.
He started to work on the lock when he felt a warmth envelop his shoulder. The warmth seemed to seep into his stomach, where it swirled around, creating butterflies.
“Everything okay?” Gabby asked, his voice deepening as it became serious.
Ollie nodded, “Yeah.” He croaked, forcing himself to speak. “We’ll talk once we’re in?”
He felt Gabby’s hand reassuringly squeeze his shoulder before retreating.
No telling how he will respond, Ollie thought to himself, and then the rush of questions and scenarios flooded his mind. He had to be gay, didn’t he? How comfortable he was around him – and Ollie had been openly out since the second year of high school – when a lot of guys at school actively avoided him, even though he definitely didn’t fancy them at all.
Why would he touch his shoulder like that if he didn’t feel something? Why would he have been coming here so often with Ollie if there wasn’t something more? But then… why had he not said or acted upon anything? Was he feeling the same way Ollie was, and just fantasising about it until the right moment came?
Ollie, as he had hundreds of times, imagined himself saying the words. He was fairly confident one of two scenarios would play out: either Gabby would openly reciprocate, or would politely tell Ollie he wasn’t gay. But Ollie was also fairly confident of something else, too; if the latter scenario played out, it would be a lie.
The padlock clicked open.
“Took you longer than usual.” Gabby teased.
“Maybe we should stop closing it when we leave,” Ollie replied thoughtfully, “It’s broken but if it breaks too much it might just stop opening altogether.”
Gabby looked around, “I dunno… we don’t know who actually uses this place, we could get found out.”
Ollie turned back to the gate, away from Gabby, to roll his eyes. He was always so scared of being caught, and Ollie found it irritating, probably because he knew what it meant for their prospects of actually being together. Nobody did use this place; everything was always unmoved and untouched when they came back, and there was never any sign of life apart from whatever rodents and creepy crawlies had claimed the land.
“Fine,” Ollie said, “I’ll just make sure to bring my trusty crowbar next time.”
Gabby tutted, “It’s worked every time we’ve come, it’s not going to stop now.”
“Yeah,” Ollie agreed, not wanting the argument. Not tonight. “You’re probably right.” Not tonight. He had decided on it without even realising: tonight was the night he was going to tell Gabby. He guessed that part of the drive behind that decision had been that they had finished school now, so they might start to slowly lose touch. This could be now or never.
That, and Ollie had the exact way he wanted to do it all prepared now.
There were some nights he came here alone, scouting out the perfect location to sit Gabby down and tell him. A few weeks ago, he’d found it. It was all set up and ready to be used. So, not only did it feel like time was running out to make his feelings known, but it also felt like the pieces had fallen into place for it to happen.
So it had to be tonight.
“After you, m’lady.” Gabby pushed the gate open and gestured for Ollie to go through.
“Thank you, kind sir.” Ollie smiled, and entered the scrapyard, Gabby closing the gate behind them.
*
The stars shone brightly in the night sky above them, and the moon’s rays shed light all across the scrapyard, reflecting off car bonnets and windows. The metal graveyard should have been a maze, but the two boys knew it well now, having navigated its twists and turns together dozens of times before.
“Where to tonight then?” Gabby asked.
They had a spot they visited more frequently than any other; there was a circular area, crafted by towers of cars all around it, within which they had been able to place two car seats which had been loose. When they had extracted the car seats, the tower they were working on had creaked slightly. It had probably been the wind, they both agreed, but it didn’t stop them from worrying about the towers collapsing around them… but nor did that stop them from continuing to use that same area, either.
“Somewhere different.” Ollie replied. Many times he had fantasised about breaking the news to Gabby in that spot, both sat on their ripped-out car seats, but that just wouldn’t work the same as the new area Ollie had discovered and set up for this very purpose.
“Oh?” Gabby voiced, “You have somewhere in mind or you just want to wander?”
Ollie stopped for a moment, acting as though he was thinking, and then gestured to the right, “This way.” He said, and started to lead.
“Woah,” Gabby said, quickening his pace to keep up, “What’s the rush?”
“Sorry.” Ollie said, slowing down but not waiting for Gabby to walk alongside him.
“Oi, Ollie.” Ollie felt Gabby’s hand grab him again, gently stopping him and trying to turn him around.
But Ollie couldn’t turn. The warmth of Gabby’s hand… if he turned and looked at him, he knew how close their faces would be, and he knew what he would try. That wasn’t the way he wanted to do it. Even if Gabby did feel the way Ollie thought he did, that would be coming on far too strong.
“What’s going on, man?” Gabby tried, “I haven’t seen you like this since…” His voice trailed, a croak escaping his throat instead, “Well, maybe ever.”
Ollie just looked at the floor. It was dark and dirty, full of random lumps of metal from bolts to door handles. He should have looked up instead, and watched the twinkling stars, where he wished he could escape to in that moment.
But you’ve waited so long, he told himself, why run now? This could be your only chance. You’ll never know if you don’t say.
Just as he opened his mouth to speak, Gabby did again, “Are we all good?”
Finally, Ollie looked up. Gabby’s face wasn’t as close to his as he thought it was, which was good; it meant he’d have to lunge forward to kiss him, and he wasn’t about to let himself look that foolish.
“Yeah, we’re fine.” Without thinking, Ollie clasped Gabby’s forearm in his hand and squeezed it reassuringly. He quickly became aware they were now holding onto one another, but didn’t take his hand away. “Well…” Apparently his brain had lost control of everything; movements and speech.
“What is it?”
“I’m just…” Ollie struggled to find the words, it was like he wasn’t the one speaking, his mouth had just suddenly started to act independently from the rest of him. He didn’t know what was going to come out, and that-“I’m scared.” Ollie was barely even aware of what he was saying, it was like he’d left his own body and something else had taken over; he was merely an observer.
Gabby’s eyes widened, but his grip never loosened and his body never drew away. “Of what?”
“It’s just…” Ollie felt tears coming, and sucked in a deep, shaky breath, trying to fight them back. “We’ve finished school now, and we’ll be doing different things, I’m just worried that…” Ollie swallowed and blinked, still trying to keep the tears away. He didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to look like an idiot. It took everything he had to keep from crying when he uttered his next words, but he managed it by forcing the words out as quickly as he could. “That me and you might not see each other as much anymore.”
Now that the words were out, the tears went away, and Ollie found himself relaxing slightly. Clearly Gabby not being a part of his life anymore had been more on his mind than declaring his feelings. But that realisation brought on even more questions: was it worth telling him how he felt if it could ruin everything? Clearly having Gabby in his life, even just as a friend, was the most important thing, so was it absolutely necessary to tell him the way he felt?
The question was answered when Ollie looked back at Gabby. His bright, white teeth were glowing back at him like pearls, his blue eyes glowing as though precious jewels held under the moonlight. All Ollie wanted to do was reach out and touch a finger to Gabby’s skin; it was brown, but only light, and smooth too, as though moulded perfectly from clay.
“Dude,” How one word can bring you crashing back down to Earth, Ollie thought, “I’m not going anywhere, we live, like, down the road from each other. Just because we’re not seeing each other every day doesn’t mean we won’t still be friends. It wasn’t just school that made us friends.” Gabby at last loosed Ollie, and playfully punched his shoulder, “Now stop being so gay, man.”
Ollie laughed, and felt himself relax a little more, “Sorry, man.” He cleared his throat, “GGGGRRR!” Ollie paused, “How’s that?”
“Very manly. I’m scared.”
“Learned from the best.” Ollie punched Gabby back in the shoulder, “Now come on, let’s find somewhere to sit.”
“Carry on leading the way.”
They continued to walk, this time side by side, through the paths lined by decrepit cars.
It wasn’t all car towers; it was only their regular spot that was lined with those. In fact, a lot of the scrapyard was quite bare, with only a car or two in sight for dozens of yards. The scrapyard covered a large amount of land, and it surprised Ollie that it always seemed as though nobody but them came here, surely someone owned it, even if they didn’t visit?
The very end of the scrapyard was lined with lorries, overlooking a canal. That was one place they’d never really gone near; they knew how scary it was being on the other side, walking along the canal and looking at the lorries looming over you like massive metal monsters waiting to pounce. Ollie knew it was stupid, but he felt as though one wrong step around the lorries would mean that the whole lot would go careening down into the canal.
Ollie could see the lorries over the few cars scattered around in front of him. He stopped walking, “I think…” He looked left, and then right, and back again. “This way.” He said, and went to the right. The cars on either side of them started to forge a more narrow path, becoming more tightly packed. After only around a hundred metres, the narrow path opened up into a spacious clearing, perfectly illuminated by the moonlight. Like a spotlight on the centre of a stage.
“Like our usual spot,” Gabby said, looking around, “Just no towers.” His gaze settled in the middle of the clearing. “And a… car instead of our two seats.” He looked at Ollie, “We getting cosy today?” He laughed.
Ollie listened, trying to detect a hint of hesitation within the laugh, and heard none. So the idea of being “cosy” with him didn’t make Gabby uncomfortable. To Ollie, that was just more evidence to add into the mental ‘Gabby must definitely be gay’ dossier he had compiled.
“Thought it might be cool.” Ollie shrugged, trying to act casually about it. Everything had to go perfectly if he was to enact his plan.
“Well, let’s give it a go.” Gabby said, and started forwards.
Perfect, Ollie thought, and kept a slight distance behind Gabby.
He watched as Gabby checked out the car, “Pretty good condition.” Gabby commented, looking in through the windows. “Must be new.” He added, before turning to Ollie, “Maybe people do still use this place after all, Oliver.” He arched an eyebrow.
Ollie shrugged, “Maybe they do, Gabriel.”
“And so maybe we should leave the car alone?” Gabby ventured.
Ollie’s teeth clamped down hard, and he started to grit them. It couldn’t go wrong now, he’d been so close, but he couldn’t act irrationally or too forcefully or Gabby would be put off going inside the car for good. He had to be calm, but he had to do something… he had to lead the way.
“Oh come on, ‘manly’ one.” He said, and strode past Gabby towards the car, opening the passenger side door. He held the door open for a moment, waited, and then turned to Gabby. “No alarm. No guard dogs about to tear us apart. Nobody with a shotgun running at us telling us to get off their land.”
Gabby rolled his eyes, “Fine, come on then.”
“After you.” Ollie said, holding the door open and gesturing inside the car.
“Oh no, ladies first.” Gabby said, taking hold of the door. “After you, m’lady.”
Ollie rolled his eyes, “Thank you, kind sir.” He started to get inside the car, and shuffled over to the drivers’ side seat. “Care to join me?” He asked, while quietly pulling the handle to his door, opening it just a crack. He waited to see if Gabby had noticed; it had been a risk, but one he’d had to take if he was still going to put his plan into action.
“It would be an honour.” Gabby replied, and crouched into the car.
Ollie suddenly became aware of his heart, and how hard it was hammering against his chest. This was it, this was really it. And suddenly he found himself wondering if this was the right way to go about declaring his feelings. Shouldn’t he just do it naturally, not try and force it?
No, he has to listen. What if you tell him and he storms off? He’ll never know the full story, and he needs to know everything.
Gabby slamming his door shut acted like a gunshot at the start of a race, and Ollie again felt his body taking control of itself (and thankfully he’d rehearsed this scenario in his head, along with countless others, dozens of times) as he flung his door open, jumped out, slammed it shut and pushed down on the button imprinted with a closed padlock on the keys he held in his hand.
There were a few moments of silence, and Ollie felt he had failed. There was no way he could have moved quick enough for Gabby not to notice what was happening and open his own door back up. So what was he going to do now? Gabby’s head would appear over the top of the car at any moment, rising slowly, his eyes squinted as he gave Ollie the what the fuck? look.
He had to think quickly, think of something to say, something to do. Did he just run? No. Gabby would catch him. He had to make an excuse, something funny. Just a game, tell him it was just a game, a prank. You’re always winding each other up, just use that.
But as Ollie exited his thoughts he realised that Gabby’s head was nowhere in sight, and that his door wasn’t open, even slightly. Instead, he was leaned across the front seats and his face was in the window on the drivers’ side.
“Ollie? What are you doing?” He asked. Ollie could hear his voice clearly; he’d left the windows cracked open ever so slightly when he’d prepared this spot the other night, and Gabby’s voice was quite calm given the situation he was in.
“I just need you to listen.” Ollie replied, and was surprised at how level his own voice was. In a different scenario – if they’d gone to their usual spot – he was certain his voice would be shaky and breathless as he tried to tell Gabby how he felt.
“And you need to lock me in a car to do that?” Gabby said, “When have I ever not listened to you, Ollie?”
“This… this thing that I’m about to tell you,” He began, “I’m not sure you’d have heard it out to the end.”
“Well,” Gabby held his hands up, presenting Ollie with his confinement, “I’ve got no choice now, have I?”
“Are you angry?” Ollie asked.
“Depends.”
“On?”
“Whatever it is you’re going to say, and whether you’re going to let me out or not.”
“I’m going to let you out.” Ollie promised, “I just… I need you to listen.”
Gabby started to shuffle in the car, and Ollie thought he was trying to somehow get out at first, but then realised he was just planting himself in the driver’s seat. “Okay,” He said, “Go for it.”
Ollie knelt down close to the window, so that his and Gabby’s faces were only separated by the glass. He stared into Gabby’s bright blue eyes, and finally said what he’d been longing to say, “I like you.”
Ollie could no longer feel his heartbeat, had it stopped? If your heart stopped beating, didn’t you just drop dead? He studied Gabby’s face, and none of the features moved, giving off no indication as to how he felt.
“I like you too.” Gabby said.
Ollie felt his mouth almost drop open, but within seconds realised that Gabby hadn’t fully understand what he’d been saying to him. “No.” Ollie said, shaking his head, “You don’t understand.” He didn’t quite know what to say next. In every scenario, it was those words he’d uttered before Gabby responded. There was never any need to elaborate. But now, in reality, there suddenly was, and he hadn’t rehearsed for it.
“I don’t understand…” Gabby said, his eyes flitting from side to side as he tried to make sense of what was happening.
“Gabby!” Ollie said, simultaneously slamming his hand up against the window, stunning his friend into looking back into his eyes, “I LIKE YOU! I can’t stop thinking about you. Every week all I look forward to is coming here with you, where we’re alone together, and we can talk about anything and everything. I love it. I, I-” The words escaped him.
Gabby’s eyes dropped, he understood now, but how did he feel? What was the reaction going to be?
“I think you might feel the same.” Ollie found himself saying. “Be honest with yourself.”
“Ollie…” Gabby shook his head, but didn’t look back up. Apparently he couldn’t even meet Ollie’s gaze now.
“No.” Ollie said, not wanting to hear the rejection that he was so certain was coming. “Don’t just be defensive. Think about this.” He pleaded. “Look,” He said, standing up and backing away from the window, “I’m going to go for a walk.” Finally Gabby looked back up at him, and the calmness had finally left his face; his eyes were wide with alarm. “I’m coming back,” Ollie added quickly. “But I need you to think about what I’ve said. Please, just be honest with yourself. I know that you’re scared of something… that’s why you never want us to be seen together or caught here. There’s something holding you back, but I just want you to know that whatever it is I’ll be by your side to face it with you. You need to get it out, Gabby. You need to get out.”
Ollie didn’t wait for Gabby to respond, he felt that was a good place to leave it. So he started to walk back around the car and towards the narrow, car-lined path out of the clearing. As he walked, he waited for Gabby to call out after him, to shout abuse, or to at least plead with him to open the car and let him out.
But, to Ollie’s surprise, Gabby was dead silent.
*
Gabby watched Ollie walk away.
The moonlight seemed to dim as he walked further down the narrow, car-lined pathway, until Ollie became a shadow amongst the darkness. Gabby sighed, and shut his eyes, as he thought about what he was going to do… as though he hadn’t already spent God knows how many nights up late pondering this very question before him.
He opened his eyes and wiped the dampness from around them, allowing his vision to adjust to the darkness again. After a few seconds, everything still seemed blurred, and shapes weren’t forming as they normally should. He could see the interior of the car he was in; the windshield, the seats, the wheel… even a glimmer of metal on the outside was coming back, but nothing beyond that.
The shapes of other metal lumps scattered all around were no longer visible, and even the sky had blacked out; the stars were no longer twinkling, and the moon no longer casting its beams over the clearing. There was nothing but darkness.
How had it gotten so dark so quickly?
Gabby leaned up against the windshield and looked up at the sky, blinking rapidly to make sure his eyes were definitely clear of all liquid. Even once he was confident his eyes had focused, there was still nothing to be seen. Gabby was certain clouds couldn’t have formed that quickly – not right in the middle of summer – so what was going on? He wasn’t blacking out, he didn’t feel panicked or anxious, just…
Stuck.
Trapped and he couldn’t get out.
Okay, maybe he was becoming a little anxious. The reality of the situation was starting to hit him now that Ollie was no longer next to him and talking to him.
Now he was just alone. Alone and confined.
He slowly sucked in the air, which shakily filled up his lungs, and then he released. He closed his eyes, trying to clear his mind, as he felt his muscles relax. Ollie was coming back, he’d said so. There was no reason for Ollie to leave him trapped in the car; Ollie had said what he’d needed to say and now he was going to let him think about it.
Think about what, exactly? Gabby asked himself, as though I haven’t already thought ab-
The screeching sound of something slashing against the metal of a car made Gabby open his eyes. He could tell that the sound wasn’t close – or at least not in his immediate vicinity – but that it was being magnified by the clearing he was in. A clearing that was slowly becoming more visible since he’d opened his eyes back up, Gabby realised; he could now see the shadows of cars against the night sky, but only just. He still couldn’t see clearly enough to make out whoever (or whatever) might be out there scratching against a car.
Was Ollie coming back already? Gabby imagined that it was probably scarier out there, out in the open, than it was in the car. Plus, they evidently had a lot to talk about, including Ollie feeling he needed to lock Gabby in a car so he could talk to him about his feelings.
How would you have reacted, though? Gabby asked himself. He lowered his head, thought about the question, and opened his mouth to answer himself. But the words didn’t come. Instead, Gabby was left wondering why there was smoke in the car. He started to panic, watching the whiteness move towards his legs. That’s not smoke, it’s too thin, he told himself. So what was it? Had mist worked its way into the car? Something was obviously wrong with the weather considering how quickly the stars had been blacked out of the sky.
Gabby reached out towards the mist, when he realised it was coming from him. It was his own breath. He started to puff more out of his mouth, just to confirm what was happening, when he wondered how it could be possible: how had it become cold enough for him to see his own breath?
Gabby gripped onto the dashboard, the plastic cold on his fingers, and leaned forward towards the windshield again. He squinted against the darkness, wanting to try and see more than just shadows, and tried to listen out for anymore scratching. There was nothing, and Gabby heard himself saying Ollie’s name. It left his lips quietly, and he cleared his throat to say it louder.
“Ollie?” He called out, hoping that being in the car didn’t muffle his voice too much, but he guessed that if he could hear distant scratching, his voice would carry.
Gabby expected to hear Ollie’s voice calling back out to him, or to see his friend’s face appear again outside the car, but nothing happened. Everything stayed, dark, and silent, and still.
Until the scratching returned.
Longer this time, and closer. Gabby continued to look outside, following the sound, and hoping his vision would improve. As the scratching started to fade, Gabby was climbing into the back of the car, having worked out the scratching was coming from towards the canal at the back of the scrapyard.
Ollie wouldn’t have gone there, they always joked about how one wrong step could send the abandoned lorries that were lined up there falling into the water below, so who else was in the scrapyard? Gabby knew he’d been right; there was no way that only the two of them came here, someone had to own the land and look after it.
The last echoes of the scratching died away, but were replaced by something much louder. A crunching sound filled the air. Metal was no longer being scratched but crushed. There were no mechanical sounds, and the crushing wasn’t continuous but coming in short bursts, so Gabby guessed there was no machine at work. It was as though a giant was stomping through the scrapyard, crushing cars beneath his feet with each step he took.
And you’re trapped.
“Don’t be ridiculous.” Gabby told himself.
But something is here, isn’t it?
“Use this time to think.” Gabby said, ignoring the voice in his head, “Ollie wanted you to think, so think. Let’s go through all this again. Make sure you have everything you want to say ready for when he comes back. Make sure you can explain everything to him proper-”
Another car was crushed, and this time it was one of the cars lining the clearing, the sound was too close not to be. Gabby instinctively ducked down and lay flat across the backseats, so he couldn’t be seen through the windows.
I knew someone must have worked here. They’re here now and crushing cars, and now you’re going to be crushed unless you do something. Scream, shout, kick through a window!
Gabby hoisted himself up against the back window, ready to start banging against it and shouting out to whoever was crushing the cars, trying to get them to stop. But he froze. Face almost pressed up against the window, fist ready to start beating against it, Gabby was stunned into stillness by what he saw entering the clearing.
At first it was just an enormous black mass, a giant shadow moving over the lines of cars, and Gabby momentarily wondered if it actually was a machine rolling over the cars and flattening them. But its movements were too fluid; it bobbed up and down and swayed from side to side as it moved forwards, each time another car being stomped on and crushed.
Gabby couldn’t believe his eyes. First the world had seemed to vanish into darkness and plunge straight into winter, and now there was something making its way into the clearing. Not a machine, not a human, but some…thing.
As the giant shadow stepped down off the row of cars that lined the clearing, Gabby dropped back down across the back seats of the car. His hands dropped onto the top of his chest, and the first thing he felt was the rapid rise and fall of his body as he tried to suck more air into his lungs, the sight of the massive thing coming into the clearing having knocked the wind out of him.
You need to get out. Those were the words Ollie had left him on, and although they had been referring to a mental entrapment rather than physical, they had now taken on a whole new meaning that related to the latter. Whatever that thing was that had come into the scrapyard had stomped on dozens of cars on its way to the clearing, what was one more? Worse, what if it didn’t crush the car that he was in, but instead wanted its contents? What if the giant thing sliced or ripped the roof off the car and yanked Gabby up from out of it and… and what? Ate him? Crushed him in its claws or whatever it had?
Get out.
“Just think about Ollie.” Gabby whispered to himself, “He put you here to think, so think. You need to come to a decision, put this whole thing to bed.” Gabby realised his breathing had slowed and his heart rate had steadied as soon as he thought about Ollie and that situation rather than the one he currently found himself in. Strange, he thought, when he usually spent his nights thinking about Ollie, their trips to the scrapyard, their late night conversations, and what to do next with his heart thudding and breath quickening. Now the thought seemed to be soothing him.
“What does that mean?” He asked himself.
You know what it means, he answered in his mind, you’ve known for a while, you just can’t admit it to yourself.
“I can’t.” Gabby said, and felt himself tear up, “They’ll never accept-”
There was an exhalation, like a gust of wind, just outside the car. It fogged up some of the windows so that Gabby couldn’t see out of them at all. For all the good they’ve been anyway, he found himself thinking, and he almost laughed before it fully dawned on him: the thing was right outside the car, and it was sniffing. Sniffing him out.
Get. Out.
Gabby’s eyes wandered to the window directly above him. Looking at it upside-down, he saw the condensation start to clear, but he wished it hadn’t. The window revealed two dark holes that looked like they belonged on the end of a snout. But the thing out there was no household pet, not even a zoo animal; judging by the wrinkly black nose, its head would have to be about the same size as the car Gabby was in.
Which means it can probably pick it up in one hand.
GET. OUT.
Gabby wanted to move – needed to move – but again he found himself frozen. The thing’s nostrils bulged, and another gust of breath rocked the car slightly, causing a whimper to escape Gabby’s throat. It knew he was in here, and it wanted him.
It knows you’re trapped, Gabby, a voice in his head said, but it wasn’t his own voice this time. It knows you’re trapped. It said again. Unless you get out, it will take you, it will devour you.
At the same time the condensation on the window started to clear up again, this time revealing something much more sinister than a pair of massive nostrils, Gabby realised that the voice in his head was Ollie.
He was thankful he came to the realisation at the exact moment he saw what was waiting for him outside the car, or he might have gone completely insane.
The monster opened its eyelid. Redness stared back at Gabby, broken up only by a thin black slit in the middle.
The monster’s breathing grew heavier and faster, and Gabby could sense that it was becoming excited now that it had locked its sight onto its prey.
getoutgetoutgetout
The breathing became heavier and heavier, making the ground shake, and it started to descend into growling. The sound was like hundreds of massive rocks cascading down a hillside, scratching and knocking against one another. Gabby closed his eyes, and waited for the inevitable, but that sound just continued. After a few seconds, Gabby realised it was in a rhythm, and his ears started to become more attuned now that he wasn’t staring into the redness of the creature’s eye.
Gabby realised, with horror, that the monster wasn’t just growling. It was trying to speak. Letters were actually forming, coming slowly and jumbled, like a baby trying to utter its first words.
When it finally said what it was trying to say, when the letters fell into place and were spat out like rubble, Gabby was finally able to move. It wasn’t what the monster had said, but how it had said it. It had said one word – his name, his full name: Gabriel – but, even behind the gravelly voice, Gabby recognised it.
The voice of his father, the voice of his mother, the voice of his brother – all of his family called him Gabriel, which was the very reason he despised it – the voice of everyone he knew who would judge him, even friends at school, if he came out all somehow rolled into one. The voices continued to echo through the car as Gabby heard the monster start to move again, its colossal feet thudding into the ground and making the car shake.
He made his way over to the other side of the car, and pushed himself up against the window. He started to hammer it with his fist. “OLLIE!!!” He shouted.
Get out, Gabby. You have to get out first.
Gabby could see the narrow path of cars where Ollie had disappeared earlier. There was no sign of Ollie, but he couldn’t have gone far, and surely he would be coming back any second now?
But what if he doesn’t come back? What if he doesn’t exist… here? You’re clearly somewhere else when you’re in this car. There is no sky, it’s almost freezing cold when it was the middle of summer before you were locked in, and apparently there are monsters that embody your worst fears.
“Get out.” Gabby whispered to himself. “Get it out.”
Gabby closed his eyes, took in a deep breath, and thought about what he’d been thinking about every night for months. It had existed only in his mind, because he was too scared to let it stray, to let it out into the real world. He thought saying it, becoming it, would make him a monster – and it still might in the eyes of some people, like his family – but there was someone who could help.
“I’ll be by your side to face it with you.”
Gabby turned back to the monster, no longer as afraid as he had been only moments ago, and watched as it stomped its way around the front of the car. Gabby saw that it didn’t have claws or paws, but two sets of pincers, and they were snapping excitedly. But it didn’t matter what the creature had in mind, because Gabby was ready now.
Ready to get out. To come out.
“You’re the monsters.” He whispered. “Not me.” A smile danced across his lips, and he turned back to the narrow path. “Ollie!” He shouted again, “I’m ready! Please come back!”
Gabby heard the monster’s pincers sink into the metal of the car as it took a hold of the bonnet, felt it start to lift the car upwards.
“Ollie!” Gabby shouted again, banging against the window, “Come on!”
Something appeared out of the narrow path into the clearing, but it wasn’t a shadow; it was a light. Much in the same way the monster had appeared, the light did, moving over the cars and down into the clearing. It was shining, just as the stars had been earlier, and as it came closer, it became blinding, like the moon had fallen to the Earth.
Gabby felt himself start to tilt, and fall, and thought that it was too late; that the monster had won.
But then he felt warmth again, could see the night sky swirling above him, full of bright lights. A pair of arms were enveloping him, arms that held him so carefully they couldn’t have belonged to a monster.
“Jesus, Gabby, you okay?” He heard Ollie’s breathless voice.
Gabby waited for his vision to steady and saw that he was looking at Ollie’s face upside-down, his head held in Ollie’s lap. “Did I fall?” He heard himself ask.
“Yeah,” Ollie said, “Thought you’d passed out, you were up against the door in the car, are you okay?” He asked, panicked, “I’m so sorry, Gabby, I would never have done that if I thought-”
Gabby was no longer thinking. He’d thought enough. Now he just acted.
He lifted his head and planted his lips against Ollie’s. He’d kissed before – but never a guy, and never upside-down, but it came so easily to him. It had never felt like this before; every part of him felt alive, felt free.
They parted, and Gabby started laughing when he saw the confused look on Ollie’s face.
“What… what?” Was all Ollie could seem to say.
Gabby lifted his hand and stroked Ollie’s cheek – a simple gesture that he’d dreamed of doing so many times. “It’s okay,” Gabby reassured, “I mean, it was a fucking crazy idea,” He chuckled, and Ollie’s eyes darted away guiltily. “Oi,” He said, pushing Ollie to look at him again, “But I needed it.” He confirmed. “You helped me to…” Gabby pondered the wording for a moment, and then spoke again, “You helped me to get out of the closet.” He said, and smiled.
Gabby continued to watch Ollie’s face, to study his features, and thought that the confused look was never going to leave his face. Was he about to react badly for some reason? Was this not what he wanted, despite what he’d said outside the car earlier? Was it some sort of prank?
As the panic mounted in Gabby, and he prepared to take back everything he had said, the muscles in Ollie’s face finally relaxed, and he smiled. “I knew it.” He said, and prodded Gabby in the ribs.
“OI!” Gabby cried, and tried to catch Ollie’s hand as it drew away, but he was too fast.
Gabby felt his head gently hit the scrapyard floor as Ollie leaped to his feet and started to run out of the clearing.
“And I thought you were the manly one!” Ollie continued to tease as he ran away.
“You’re asking for it!” Gabby said, finally standing up, dusting himself off, and giving chase.
The two boys ran and laughed until Gabby caught up to Ollie by the scrapyard gates, and circled his waist tightly with his arms. “Not bad, gay boy.”
“Excuse m-”
Gabby kissed Ollie again, just a short one this time, before he took Ollie’s hand, said “let’s get out of here,” and led them out of the scrapyard.
And, for the first time, they left the gate unlocked.
August, 2021
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